End of season
Rumour says Duke Eltharion will not continue in the Eagles next season? A huge cat fight erupted after the 2-0 crushing defeat to the Gouged Eye in the AFC finals between the Swift Brothers and the Duke. Apparently, Mr. E. accused the brothers of sabotaging his performance. While it is true they preferred to send the doctor to Liniel Linielson, the team’s unremarkable lineman, instead of trying to keep Eltharion in the game, we find hard to believe the Brothers would jeopardise their chances! Regardless, Eltharion stormed off, bowing to create his own team. Elfs.
Daîn the lineman of the Dwarf Giants was selected as MVP for the whole Dungeon Bowl? This year’s price was “Coffee”, a magical gauntlet previously owned by Thy’ssss’On, a hall of fame Kroxigor from the 70s. Dubbed as “Ironcrox”, he was famous for knocking down players with a single blow!
Despite everyone’s expectations and playing (surprisingly) a good Chaos Cup final, Beckhamiel did not win the MVP trophy? The individual reward went to Hypno-elf, a fellow lineman that we expect to have a brilliant future. Everybody loves hypno-elf! All glory to the hypno-elf!
The Elfheim Eagles are under an official investigation for corruption after their semi-final match against the Laurelorn Paladins? It is not because they seemed to have bribed the referee. Or one of the Paladin’s wardancers. Or even half of the Paladins fans to cheer for the Eagles! They are under an investigation because the Eagles, not wanting any risks, have already bribed NAF to start a rigged investigation declaring them inocent. As Duke Eltarion commented after the results of the investigation were published before it had actually started “The results cannot be based on reality if the accusations aren’t either”. The bag of coins in our pockets tell us he is right.
The Ironcrag Decimators almost defeated the Gouged Eye in the semi-finals? Star blitzer Ka run the ball across the Eye’s touchdown line in the last second of the extra time… only to find the Eye had removed the touchdown area! By the time he managed to climb up, the Decimators had lost in the penalty shoot-out… Where several Gouged Eye goblins had been moving the posts whenever the Decimators shot!
League – Week 9
Dwarves hate goblins so much that they will do anything to thwart their goals? After the Lowdown Rats bowed to break their record of “less points in a season” this year, the Dwarf Giants decided not to attend the game so the goblins would win! Unfortunately nobody told Grim Ironjaw, who turned up alone and proceeded to almost win the match by himself. Fortunately, he was ejected before he could score again in the second half, after shoving a goblin up a troll’s ass. It was not an illegal move (who can possibly consider that illegal?) but the referee had been bribed by the Giants to take Grim off the pitch!
The Hobgoblin Team, a Blood Bowl classic, will disband after this season? While everyone enjoys watching these incompetent morons fumble in the pitch and injure themselves in Yehtiube, it seems less and less people went to see the actual matches. Rumour says the players have decided to go into politics instead… To which we believe these two faced, lying, treacherous bastards are much more suited for!
League – Week 8
Ex-ogre Argggg’h’Ain was the main star of the Chaos All-Stars 200 hundred years ago? We didn’t either! Everyone learnt it this week, however, after Argggg (recently discovered and now playing for the undead team, the Tombstone Terrors) single-handedly took care of the Stars’ defense line calling them “puny arrivists”. He even knocked out Morg, and that is not something we can say every week… Or even every season!
The Lowdown Rats, a goblin team featuring an insane array of illegal weapons, lack of wit and disregard for their own life, has bowed to shatter last year’s performance this season. While they managed to draw one game in 2491… They are commited to lose all their matches this year! This lack of ambition does not seem to bother their fans as… Well, as they don’t have any.
League – Week 7
Nothing relevant, funny or unbelievable happened this week? That in itself is unbelievable! Where is this sport going to?
Cup – Semi Finals
The Reikland Reavers won against the All-Stars once again? And this time, Zug scored the winning touchdown! The half-witted blocker had to bring his statement in writing to the press conference: “I dedicate the victory to our fans. Reikland fans are the best” he said “They are very Reiklaners, and much Reiklaners. End of quote”
League – Week 6
The Bruendar Grimjacks fielded legendary marksma…(dwarf?) Zzargh Madeye this week? Although clearly in violation of the rules, the Grimjacks adduced that if the Paladins could pick random elfs from the crowd (something they do every match as they rarely manage to field 11 players) so could they. A large sack of gold coins convinced the referee, and Madeye delighted the fans not drafted to the field by shooting down several elves. “Ah loove th’ reek ay burned elves in th’ morn.” he explained after the match “Ah miss bluid bowl“. Perhaps the ex-star will return to the league next season?
The Bright Crusaders are this year’s most deadly team? It is not that they have become bloodthirsty killers like the Chaos All-Stars or the Warhammerers (who maintain their lead on spectators killed)… But rather that players trip and fall, breaking their necks, while trying to escape the Crusader players! Who can blame them? Nobody wants to hear the long sermons about what the actual rules say and why this kick to the groin or biting that ear off was illegal.
League – Week 5
The Dark Destroyers have filed an official complaint claiming the Laurelorn Paladins rigged their 4-1 victory this week? Unappeleable evidence presented by the Destroyers points out to elven magic making the sun burn brighter, destroying the dark elves throwing game, and a barely disguised half-ogre posing as an elven journeyman. The officials assured us they will get to the bottom of this… Once they manage to solve all seventy-four complaints they have against the Destroyers for also rigging their games!
The Greenfield Grasshuggers have pulled an all time record this week by not losing two consecutive matches after their victory 1-0 against the Darkside Cowboys? We would like to say something funny about it… But we are still too thunderstruck by this! Incidentally, so are half of the Cowboys players, which were decimated by Rackart’s magical storm after such humiliating defeat.
League – Week 4
The Forked Tongues – Greenfield Grasshuggers match this weekend had two second halves? The Chef’s food at mid-game was so good none of the teams came out to play the second half! The Forked Tongues eventually went into the field and the clock re-started but none of them could bend down to pick the ball, and the match ended in a touchdownless tie. They still fared better than the halflings… More than half the team had to be hospitalised after several hours of continuous eating!
Fashion Wars have entered the pitch? This week’s fixture between the All-Stars and the Warriors was disrupted when both sponsors (Zara the Slayer Armors and Horns&Mutations Chainmail) decided to solve their differences during the game! The ensuing battle saw several players killed and a landslide victory for the amazons… That were the only ones nimble enough to dodge the armies of enraged women wearing cheap yet appealing clothes fighting on the field!
A new record was set on the Orcland Raiders – Lustria Croakers match? A troll managed to score two touchdowns in the same match! Of course, being as stupid as they are, he scored one in each end zone. “Huh?” he explained after the match, seconds before eating the goblin reporter.
Cup – Quarter Finals
Both 2491 Cup winners were thrown out of the competition in the first round? While the Cowboys succumbed to an outstanding performance by the veteran Raiders’ captain, Grishnak Goblinthrotter, the Gouged Eye lost 4-1 against Chaos Cup newbies, the Laurelorn Paladins! However, it wasn’t the speed or passing game that crushed the orcs… But elf lineman Eldrassil that accidentally touched the Trophy and was mutated into a ravenous blood-thirsty minotaur! It was eventually knocked out but not before he had sent half a dozen orcs to the infirmary, making the rest of the match a cakewalk for the Paladins.
Uther Von Hauser has enraged Reavers fans with his recent transfer? In an interview last week, he claimed he would never play for another team that is not the Reikland Reavers… But this week he transferred to the Westside Werewolves! The fact that the human blitzer is now a rotting, mindless zombie is not an excuse, fans say.
League – Week 3
… Elrichal, the Laurelorn Paladins star catcher, was found dead with a broken pelvis after their 2-1 defeat against the Tiax Warriors? The official ÑAF investigation is still under way, but everything points out at Elrichal being unhappy with his late role as quaterback and accepting a bribe from the Amazons. After fumbling his way through the game, he was seen partying with the Warriors that same evening. Events are unclear, but ÑAF officials believe this might be related to an obscure amazon ritual known as “Death by Snu-snu“!
… The Champions of Death have lost every single game so far this season? Tomolandry the Undying has apologised to the fans and promised the team will perform better moving forward… now that he has remembered to animate the corpses!
… The Craggen Counts won by a landslide this week? And we are not speaking about the 4-0 score against the Hobgoblin Team… But the fact that an actual landslide killed all the hobgoblin players on their way to the match! Fans should not worry, though, as the Team will be ready next week again… It is not difficult to find replacements, as any hobgoblin is basically as competent as the former stupid gits that formed the Team!
League – Week 2
… The Ironcrag Decimators have “hired” a new coach for the rest of the season? After decimating one of the Blood Bowl favourites this year, the Artic Cragspiders, by killing not only several players but their chances for a title, they also kidnapped their coach! Lufiel will direct his new team from a magic-proof iron cage… Which is still better than staying with the Spiders and being eaten by an angry Yheti!
… Eljosual was posthumously awarded with “most unlikely death of the week” by Cavalvision viewers after he was killed by a snotling? The Laurelorn Paladins lineman was carrying the ball when an Oldheim’s Ogre threw a snotling in his direction. It hit another snotling which bounced against an elf player that fell and tripped Eljosual, who fell on the floor and impaled himself with the ball´s spikes. The Ogres rewarded the little fellow after the match… By eating him before the other snotlings!
… The Reikland Reavers, after brilliantly winning the Spike! have signed their worst start of the season since 2481? Most analyst blame it on the 2 match ban on Oberwald, the Reavers star blitzer, expelled for choosing to score the winning touchdown in the Spike! final instead of kicking a downed player. Most blood bowl fans agree that bribes were likely involved and the ban is nonsense… It should have been 5 matches! That kind of behaviour is just unacceptable on this sport.
League – Week 1
The Oldheim Ogres won in yet another dissapointing performance from the Elfheim Eagles? Interestingly, the match was played for most of the second half without a ball as ogre blocker Hungh’R’yEr ate it by mistake thinking it was a snotling. Fate works in misterious ways and the referee decided to allow a last minute touchdown when R’yEr threw a snotling to the end zone… Thinking it was a ball! The Eagles would have complained but by then, most of them were already in the infirmary.
It is the first time in 37 years that the Greenfield Grasshuggers have more points than the Reikland Reavers at any moment during the regular season? The Dwarven Warhammerers had to concede against the halflings after unveiling the last invention from the Skunkworks: The Tree-Eater. The crazy machine did indeed eat one of the treemen on the line of scrimmage but mulfunctioned (which was unfortunate but not really unexpected) and became what can only be described as a “holy-mother-of-God-thats-the-splinter-machinegun-from-Hell-oh-the-pain-oh-the-pain”, firing backwards towards its own team!
The regular season has started with outraged claims of bribery and rigged games? The inagural match provoked a public outcry when the Forked Tongues won 2-1 against favourites Athelorn Avengers, after the Avengers scored in their own end zone and (much worse) the match ended with no casualties. ÑAF high commissioner, halfling Joseph Bloatter, has dismissed those claims as “nonsense”. After all, he explained, he is one of the few that guessed the correct result!
The Dwarf Giants, last year Blood Bowl winners, started the season with a humiliating defeat against the Chaos All-Stars? We are not referring to the Spike! Trophy semifinal where they lost 3-1… but the beer drinking competition that Spike! organised after the match!
Season begins
As rumour has it “Mash you” R’togh, the half-ogre known for his “hit and hit” tactics while coaching the ‘Ardboyz last season, is now assistant coach for the Laurelorn Paladins to help them deal with ÑAF’s brutality? Rumour is unconfirmed as R’togh is still on the run from Grimgor’s wrath… But it is either him with a blonde wig or the most freakish, ugly and violent wood elf in the history of the game!
Khorne’s Killers were banned from ÑAF after one season? They were so violent, vicious and unable to adhere to the most basic rules of the game that they were sent where they belong… To the grandstands with all the other fans!
Unfortunately, the Middleheim Marauders will not be able to reproduce last year’s top passing game? Eodred and Duner have left the team, after the Marauders could not match an offer for them… From the Elfheim Eagles so they would stop playing!
2492: XXXII Blood Bowl! 